I have decided to make a new, friends only journal. You have all been invited. The username is Buddha_Belly_


I hope you all add me, as I plan to stop adding into bite_me13


Later

It seems to me that things have become quite simple. I am liking people more and feeling less bitchy and insane. This is a good thing i assure you.

decided i should start updating this more. I am sick and tired. Like is long and dull as of now and i feel so bored of it all. My friend, Matt gives me both a crappy and happy feeling. i am over it, i really am. it's not his fault at all, it is all mine, but i cant help it, i am sick in my head i suppose. i am not kidding, i really am. i am messed up and turned loose. i am sick and i hate myself.

stole this from Caitlin, thanks:

YOUR FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL

[What year was it?]
umm...2002-2003


[What were your three favorite bands?]
no doubt, blink 182 and save ferris, ha ha ha

[What was your favorite outfit?]
jeans and some shirt, i dont know what shirt. i think i was going through a punk phase at the time
[What was up with your hair?]
it was always in a little shitty bun or down...it still is

[Who was your best friend?]
Laura Rheaume ( she still is)

[What did you do after school?]
i came home and went online, i was pathetic


[Where did you work?]
i didn't.

[Did you take the bus?]
no, parents drove me

[Who did you have a crush on?]
i liked a bunch of different people, it was a very new time for me because of the variety of boys all around


[Did you fight with your parents?]
ya


[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?]
heath ledger

[Did you smoke cigarettes?]
no


[Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day]
ya.

[Did you have a 'clique'?]
no, just me and laura and occasios some people joined us but typically it was laura and i

[Did you have a "Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater?]
huh?

[Admit it, were you popular?]
i knew everybody, but i didn't think myself popular.

[Who did you want to be just like?]
laura

[What did you want to be when you grow up]
i wanted to be a photographer

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?]
dead...no joke

[What advice would you give your freshman self?]
stop worrying and being miserable, life is going to only get lamer.

I never update this...
...maybe one day i should
damn u myspace

Life is funny. You choose how you react to people....and when you act out of the ordinary you're stuck. This is sort of how my mind works...i am me, and i dont care what people feel i should do or be...i have always been like this BUT now i considor what he thinks, i want him to like me. i mean, he does, but i dont want him to stop. i am being weird and i cant figure out why, its not like i have never dated someone before, why does he stand out from the others? why do i torture myself for his approval? I am breaking up with him tonight, things are better this way, i need to not lose myself.

I just broke up with him. Things feel better now. i feel better already. he doesnt, he is "heartbroken" he says. that isnt true though, he can find a new girl in seconds flat. He needs a girly girl, very feminine that doesnt mind taking orders and being dumb so he can feel better about his intelligence level. A beautiful girls, with the stereo typical blue eyes, long blonde hair and size 0 pants. i cant be that girl. I never was, and i will never be that person...and thats fine with me i guess.

SOMEONE comment and make me feel better better, encourage me, :-D

Would i be a hyporcrite if i changed myself physically for a guy??????

 

ya i would.........but how much do i like him? is he worth it? am i good enough how i am?

 

I just dont know.

I am not the type of girl that trusts the male species....too many bad things come out of this vague concept of love. however, i do enjoy the company of someone named Miles. I do enjoy being around someone that doesnt care about sex so much. He is a Cancer. Virgos work well with Cancers. maybe i can start to care about you boys again. Maybe.........

back from spain. pretty glad to be home. i couldnt take one more day with certain people. but besides that i did have a great time.

THINGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER

 

SORRY FOR BITCHING

 

I HAVE NO ISSUES NOW!!!

 

I LOVE LIFE

 

THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER and BRIGHTER!!!

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i hate ur fucking guts u stupid fucktard

i will never forgive u for the things u do
fuck ur mom

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i have never been so hurt, so mad. fuck u david, u are bad. i hate ur fucking guts and i hope u rot u dumb fuck piece of shit!!! fuck u
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and if i ever said i loved u i was wrong...shouldve done this all along, i fucking hate u
and i hate myself for ever loving u

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i try to look away, as if i dont love you.

as if you dont love me
as if this whole thing is a joke, or a movie role.

but i open my eyes, and the truth remains
that you love me'
and i worry,
that i may
love
you.

But when i close my eyes, i see your eyes looking back at me. your smile and your nose right before you leaned in to kiss me. I can still taste you...is that so wrong. when i want you and crave you even when you arent here. Have i really been this kind of girl. I thought i would never let myself fall...but i have. and now i hate myself and you.

I KNEW ALYSON HAD THIS THING FOR ME!!!! THATS WHY SHE FLASHED ME IN THE BEATS CLASS.

I was asked on a date to church...and then yesterday i had this guy stop me and say:

"Woah! Did the sun come out, or did you just smile at me?"

I rolled my eyes and responded,
"It was the sun."
:)

this my friends, is why i get death threats.

Beware of broken people like me, it is us who know how to survive.

I'm sorry for hurting you all. I am sorry for anytime i held your self-esteem in my hand and devoured it to feed my insecurity. I am sorry for exsisting, but if i have any say in it, i won't be for long. I love you all even though i have pushed you to the point of hating myself. I disgust myself with the things i do...and all i have to do is dissappear, for a while or forever, which ever feels right. I hate myself...and i am sorry for hurting you. Call and say goodbye....i wont be here tommorrow.

<3 Vanessa

I <3 Michael Moore!!!! I can't wait to see Farenhight 9/11 next week!!!! My idol!!! I just finished watching the late show ( i taped it) that had an interview with him. Right now i am watching my Bowling For Columbine DVD. I love him :)

What kind of disease are you? Vanessa a.k.a. Frankie:
Vanessa a.k.a. Frankie is caused by monkeys.	Vanessa a.k.a. Frankie disease causes immediate spontaneous combustion. The only way to stop the spread of Vanessa a.k.a. Frankie is to raise bees in your hair.
Name?

Ya, sorry about that guys :)

I miss Chase. I know, i need to shut up about him, and i am trying but golly, he sure passes my mind often!

I am hungry, but there is nothing in this house to eat. I need to drop 5 dress sizes( i am a size 13, no shame yo) so i could coach again this fall....i dont really feel like doing it, but the idea of not coaching sucks too. blah. i wish i could just suck out the fat so i cold coach and then i will take it all back, lol.

Ahh!!!! The year is finally over~~~~~~

estoy feliz!

I am very fortunate to be free from such nonsense. I am glad.

By the way, that guy i like, ya, things are weird. i have been thinkin about him a lot this week. It is weird, when he was in class i never thought of him this much and it is almost like he is fading away from me. I Can bearly see him in my mind unless i look at his yearbook picture. His eyes are still there, glowing back at me. His voice is still in my ears.

This is al lsappy i am sure. Who cares?
Well whatever.

Chak told me i should act more like a lady. Fuck her. I hate when people tell me things like that.

so.
There was this guy in one of my class that i liked. i wrote him a note telling him this, and people that i liked him, and some people read it. Am i embarrassed? Terribly embarrassed. and its ok though, because he felt flatterered and according to one of the readers, he had never been told that before. so maybe things dont totally suck. hmmmm.